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Life with JJ -- the first months (cont'd)

Monday morning

My milk seems to be back in, although not extravagantly so, and Connor is a bit whingy but not seriously out of sorts, so it seems we'll survive after all.

I'm interviewing a childminder this week. She seems nice, but won't be winning any intelligence prizes in this lifetime. I'm trying to decide how important this is to me.

I'm not sure I actually want the lab work. I won't make any money off it, as it's deducted straight from my benefits pound for pound, without taking the childminder costs into account (stupid system. What happened to giving people an incentive to work?), and it means giving up Connor for 3 half-days a week, which I'm not sure I can cope with yet. The only benefit is that it would look good on my CV, but as I feel as ambitious as a slug lately, that doesn't seem much reason for putting myself through the hassle.

Connor was heavily drooling all over Kay yesterday. I don't know if it's the juice (he had 7 ounces yesterday!), or some sort of phase (if he's like this now, what's it going to be like when he's teething?), but I wish he'd stop. It's like he's some sort of human St Benard, except that, as Kay said, he doesn't shake his head and splatter it everywhere. He just sort of drops it in your lap. I mean, it's livable with now, but it could be a serious social detriment when he's a teenager.

When Valerie told me about her little girl not rolling over for months after "normal" babies do, I asked if she didn't get paranoid.

"Not really," she said, "I mean, I kinda figured she wouldn't be in high school and still not be able to roll over." Me, on the other hand, I have no problem envisioning Connor at 15 with his head lolling about spasmatically like his neck is one giant slinkie.

Wednesday Night

I'm just not sure I can keep up anymore, I feel totally overwhelmed. So tired, even though Connor slept 7 hours straight last night, and then another 2 hours after his feed.

I don't know what I need right now: I guess just some rest and relaxation, but sitting around the house won't thrill me either, to be honest.

Worked today, and spent £10 on the childminder. She's dead handy, picking Connor up and dropping him off so I don't have to cart him around on the bus. But within half an hour of her picking him up, I was at work, saying "I'm convinced. She's a drug addict, and is selling my child into white slavery to pay for her habit." The white slave trade being rampant in North Manchester, as everyone knows.

Turns out she didn't, unfortunately she also didn't feed him. She said he couldn't get any milk out of the bottle, so she just kept giving him juice. Why she didn't take the nipple off the juice bottle and give him milk from that one is beyond me.

Friday Night, September 30th

Tired. Trying not to feel down. The Centre needs someone every afternoon for the next fortnight, which I can't afford the childcare to be able to do, so they are getting someone else.

I was so happy that I'd made the deadline for Benefits before the ruling that one must be resident for 5 years came through as I have only been resident 3 years. What I didn't realize was that it means I can't get off them, or apply for family credit, as it means I won't qualify for full benefits again for two years if I can't find enough work.

It's just so stupid, I don't understand why they are doing this: 5 years? One year would weed out those only coming here for benefits. The official advice from them the Benefits agency is, I swear to God, "don't work."

The idiots.

Connor slept for hours after the childminder dropped him off, so much that I started checking him for signs of being drugged. She changed him and bathed him, which I'm trying hard not to take it personally.