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Life with JJ -- the first months (cont'd)

Bank Holiday Monday

Went walking with Connor to get cards for the electric meter, and explored around Moston a bit. It was cloudy, with a cold wind blowing, and I felt an odd sense of anticipation, as if things were in the midst of changing one more time, and I was about to set out on unknown territory. Even Connor seems quieter and attentive, waiting to see what happens.

I am, finally, starting to feel more in control again, as we start to form a unit, as opposed to two strangers trying to figure out what the other one wants.

Wednesday

A really cute electrician came today to set up our new cooker. Very nice, even if he was only about 21. Maybe I'll become one of those bored housewives who seduce handymen.

Wow! The IRA declared a permanent ceasefire, starting midnight tonight!! Can it be true?

Thursday, September 1st

I watch the 9am news to see if anything happened in the night, and the good news is: nothing did. Celebrations in Ireland at midnight, and the ceasefire has taken effect. The Ulster loyalists are cynical, and one can't help but fear that someone will mess it up for everyone, but at the moment an uneasy truce seems to be holding.

Thank God for Kay. She came over yesterday for a chat, insisted Connor's botched hair-cut was "fine, considering it was your first attempt," and invited me over to dinner with her and Jim. It was a nice evening, and Connor slept from 10:30pm until 3:00am for the second night in a row.

Friday night

Did some contract work at the Japan Centre today, leaving Connor with Kay. It was weird: depressing leaving, and I missed him, but at the same time it was hard to reconcile the fact that I had a son at home waiting for me while I was at work.

Talked to R. a lot while at work, he was kind and solicitious, and ended up driving me home. It was odd, he said it was a shame I had to get back to the baby, else we could go for a bite to eat in Chinatown. Quite surprising, for whatever reason he seems to be interested in me. Maybe because I'm (finally!) no longer lumpy and sat at the office moaning about my back ache. But still, I've got a 6-week-old baby, who in their right mind would want to date me? I don't want to go back to the University. How am I going to cope with all this?

Thursday

The clock ticks loudly, the refrigerator hums, and Connor snurfles quietly to himself in the car seat. I curl up on the couch and wonder how I ever managed to end up here, living this life. It's all very odd.

He is so clever! If you stick your tongue out at him, he sticks his back out at you! Well, sometimes. Okay, I'd rather he smiled back at me when I smiled at him, but at least it's a form of interaction.

I'm now painting corks and cotton balls for his "mobile." They're very basic, but I figure he doesn't know the difference yet.

Saturday, September 11th

The weekend has just started, and already I feel bored. Painting corks all day for baby mobiles is just not the way to go.

Ian came by unexpectedly last night and stayed all evening to chat. Was nice, except for his implying I was spending too much time attending to Connor ("attentive, not adhesive!" he accused.)

He's coming back on Sunday, so at least it's something to look forward to, even if I do have mixed feelings about him being in my life.

Not in the mood to be a mom today, wish I could just leave the baby behind and escape. Lord knows where I'd go -- it's raining and miserable out once again. Connor seems cranky and whingy, sometimes I feel like he is never happy or content unless he is asleep.

The water bill has come, my checking account is empty, and I only got one days work out of the Centre last week. I need to call about the lab work at the University, as it doesn't look like the Centre has enough work for me. I need to find a "real" babysitter, who can watch Connor more often, but I can't afford it. And I don't know how one would go about finding one if I could.

I'm getting totally disorganized and demoralized.

"If only..." I think, but "if only" what? If only my life was totally different? If only I weren't alone? What?