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Life with JJ -- the first months (cont'd)

Thursday, August 25

Connor is 5 weeks old today, and weighed in at an impressive 10 lbs, 11 oz. Had a rough couple of days, but I think I might have finally found the cause of all his tummy problems: the chewable vitamins I've been taking irregularly. It looks like his worst days have followed my going shopping and being together enough to worry about minimum nutrition (the benefits of keeping a diary and not getting around to throwing out shopping lists), so I'm going to avoid them this month and see if it helps.

A busy day today, lots of being awake in the night (I woke up at 1:30am with him cradled in my arm -- absolutely no recollection of getting him out of his cot or anything. Am I now nursing in my sleep? Did he actually cry before I got him, or did I just drag him out of his cot out of habit?), baby massage session, then rushed home for visitors. Excitement! A social life!

Ian stopped by, but couldn't stay, and then Kay who lives across the road came over for a visit. It made me feel better, I've been going there a lot lately for a cup of coffee and a chat, and I was worried she was getting annoyed at this "pesky neighbour" who was continually at her door. I'm absolutely shattered, now.

Connor, on the other hand, is wide awake after napping most of the afternoon. He's finally got real eyebrows now, they're dead cute, and brown, so I can stop worrying about his hair going red on me.

Friday

I keep trying to explain the concept of "attachment promoting behavior" to Connor. Liking to be held (allowing his body to mold to mine) is a good start -- I'd have been devastated if I'd had one of these babies that stays all stiff and arches away from you. Straining and farting all the time probably isn't the way to go, though. I reassure him that smiling would probably make up for these faults, but he doesn't even make an effort.

Yesterday, at the baby massage class, Connor saw a dad for the first time: a couple came in and he massaged whenever she wasn't busy nursing. I was tempted to point out to Connor that obviously dads were nothing special, as the man was doing nothing that moms didn't do just as well, but I let it be.

I hope he gets by, despite this lack of a "father-figure."

I really want a bath.

Saturday morning

I swear the only thing keeping me going is caffeine and prolactin. I'm so tired, haven't had more than 4 hours straight sleep in over 5 weeks, and we just continue on. Lucky for him he's so adorable.

He seems to have no problem rolling onto his side from his stomach now, which is impressive. I think we're going to have real problems with the electric fire in the not-so-distant future. I wonder how much a fire guard costs.

Feeling depressed and lonely. I think part of it is finally having sent off the birth announcements: After 5 years of travelling around from country to country, sending excited cards and letters describing how interesting things are, I have to reveal that I am no longer the "free spirit" that could be admired and envied -- I'm just another single mom living off welfare in a 2-up 2-down terrace in a working class northern town. The bubble has burst.

Now all I have is a bitter ex-boyfriend who calls and comes by on occasion out of guilt and pity. You'd think, after all this time, I would have been able to make a simple relationship work out.

I don't feel like being a mom today.

Sunday, August 28th

He was on my lap, after having been fed. "Mommy's not feeling too well," I said, "but you don't care, do you." He looked at me, and broke into this enormous toothless grin, such a big smile his eyes were squeezed shut, and held it for 3 seconds to ensure I knew it wasn't just wind. "Wow, was that a smile?!" I shouted.

His eyes flew open and he drew his eyebrows together in a very concerned way -- I'm sure I've traumatized him and he's never going to smile again. Sigh.

Ran across the street to Kay and Jim's to tell them. Kay immediately offered to watch Connor while I took a nap -- I must have really looked insane.